Back in Kongoussi and already feeling a million times better.
Well, million is a lot...but it's nice to realize how "home" my home here is after all.
Sitting in the Transit House in Ouaga I eventually begin to feel restless, stuck, nauseous, depressed. It's a frat house/hippie co-op (sorry Evan). Frat houses and hippie co-ops aren't necessarily bad. I could see myself perfectly happy living in a co-op, hippie or otherwise...lots of rooms, lots of people, hanging out, sharing ideas, sharing space. It's fun, but it's not what I want to be doing here.
Back in Kongoussi, I can put my questions and anxieties into context.
Perhaps it can be argued that my living situation does not meet all of the site selection criteria. I thought I'd have to re-adjust to being here, that In-Service Training had pushed me back a couple of steps in terms of feeling at home in my unique non-village, non-town site...but if anything I feel more comfortable at this moment. Nothing has changed about the way I want to live here and the amount of effort I want to put in, because that motivation is a big part of who I am, and who I am is a big part of why I am going to be successful. Perhaps my primary job here does not do much to further the specific goals of the Girls Education and Empowerment program, but maybe being here will change what those specific goals are...
Not every girl here is the "poorest of the poor," thank you Peace Corps, but that doesn't mean that they don't need someone to listen to them, to help them cultivate their life skills, set goals, make decisions, see themselves as important. They're in a good position, they already have a lot more opportunity than other girls their age here do...what are they going to do with it? How are they going to use it?
...and some girls here ARE the "poorest of the poor," neither of their parents are alive and they are here thanks to charity. Some girls here aren't students at all; they work all day every day to prepare food for everyone. What are they going to do with the money that they make? What options are available for them if they have never been to school? What are they going to give to their daughters? Of all the places in Burkina Faso to end up, here is not the worst for sure. But being empowered is about having options. It's about recognizing that life is made up of a series of decisions that can actively be made. What do they want out of their lives?
And what about the daughters in my little adopted neighbor town? They certainly don't go to school up here on the hill; they go out to the field and cut grasses and take care of their little siblings. It may not be my neighborhood so it may take a little more time, but the ladies down the hill could be my community too. It's all a matter of how much time I can put in, how many places I can go without spreading myself too thin. As long as I just let things happen, let connections organically build, spreading thin won't happen. It'll just take time.
My connections are real...they're when Adeline meets me at the gate and helps me walk my bike to my house and tells me that she is so glad to see me again, when Jeanette brings me her cahier and confesses that she didn't do well this past trimester, when Suzanne comes to my door on her own just to say hi before returning to finish washing her clothes.
They are every camper I have ever had. I am lucky in that I don't have to work on being convinced that it's the little things that matter. It's the bedtime stories and the roses and thorns. It's letting the little ones lead a song. It's being comfortable so that they can be comfortable, giving them space to be themselves, listening when they talk. Here, the parameters are different but the idea is exactly the same.
I don't think two years is enough time to be here. I buy in big time to the Peace Corps philosophy of working from the inside out, spending time becoming a part of your community before expecting any change to happen. Little things build upon themselves, and even just now, within the first three and a half months of living here I'm noticing some little things...girls opening up to me, little by little. This is not something that I want to exploit, you know? Ok good they're getting comfortable with me now I can give them all of this information raaaaah! No no no. I really want it to just happen, for me to take my steps in time, find a place where I fit in and let things flow. Before anything the school year is going to be over, and then a summer away and then a new school year begins. And then what? We'll see.
I hope I can create the sparks that set good things in motion...right now I'm working on preparing for all of that. What are my ideas? Write them down. Type them up. Show them to the Sisters and see what they say. How do I make sure I have counterparts on my side, working with me? What information am I missing? When does the APE meet? What about the teachers? A lot of this information I need to seek out, it isn't all out in the open. And I need to improve my French. (...though when I said this to Sister Elisabeth today she wanted to know why. "You think your French is bad?" "I speak only in the present tense!" "So do we!") (I chuck future and past in there as well, but if I wanted to tell you that I had been eating my sandwich when I remembered that it would be ages before I got sick of Vache Qui Rit cheese, I would be outta luck.) (And object pronouns. There are those.)
I'm already tucking the idea of a third year into the back of my mind. If I am successful in letting things build, if I'm on a roll and the two year mark rolls around, what else can I do? I like living in this country, Kongoussi is truly great. Slowly but surely my relationships with people are becoming more real. The distance between here and town is a challenge, but there will always be challenges no matter what. This is obviously not for sure at this point...it's just a thought. My heart has always been a little bit African.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
reflections on the way out
A little homesick. The more connected I am with internet, telephones, the easier it is for me to feel homesick. Haven't really felt too homesick too often so far.
Parents are in town and people are visiting parents. I need to get out of Ouaga. I decided to stay an extra day to sleep in and rest up but now I've gotta go. I have to get out of here, go back to Kongoussi. The transit house, while cool, is not necessarily a good thing to have. I have lots of thoughts on this subject but I already shared them extensively with a similarly-minded friend this week and to be honest I'm very tired so I don't want to get into them again.
I'm catching the afternoon bus. I'm going to ride up to my home and get there and settle in. I'm stressing out a little. I have a lot on my mind. A lot happens, there's a lot to think about. Work things, life things, future things, interpersonal relationship things...what is going on?
This is going to be a wild month, this December, different from any month I've had here so far. It already has been with this IST training business, and then school is going to be finished for the trimester and all of the girls are going to go home, and Christmas will come and go, and then I am helping a neighbor volunteer with a mini girls camp, and then New Years Eve which I thought I would come back to Ouaga for but thinking about it I'm not sure, I think I might stay in Kongoussi and party with town friends doing whatever they do. And then January, a whole new year, a year full of months to fill with things and to pass into new months. What am I doing? When will I feel settled? It's a crazy thing, living somewhere for six months and never being in a position where you feel settled and calm.
I have a lot of really good things to say about this week, the conversations I had about my life, the fun I had being with my American friends from stage... but now I just gotta get back so I can start re-settling in. I'm hoping this won't actually be a problem or too much of a difficulty. It'll partially depend on what I make of it. Like everything.
Friday, December 18, 2009
one big happy family
...that's what my GEE stage is.
We're all in Ouaga for the week, just wrapped up a few days of training. It was great hearing about what's going on with everyone, to spend some time talking to the other two volunteers who are in boarding schools in other parts of the country...I have a lot of productive things to think about and I've been filled with a renewed energy and some sweet inspiration and motivation.
...and also some questions and aprehension and reflection of where I am and what it means and if it's where GEE should go, the direction it should be taking. So lots of ups and downs.
It's nice that we're all still here. This group has an interesting chemistry, I think it works well. It's a rare thing, being all together like this. It's been enjoyable.
Tomorrow night I am going back to Kongoussi. At the end of next week all of the students will be gone. Then Christmas is coming.
Want to know what's fun? Taking care of fraudulant credit card charges from overseas. So I'm off to do that.
We're all in Ouaga for the week, just wrapped up a few days of training. It was great hearing about what's going on with everyone, to spend some time talking to the other two volunteers who are in boarding schools in other parts of the country...I have a lot of productive things to think about and I've been filled with a renewed energy and some sweet inspiration and motivation.
...and also some questions and aprehension and reflection of where I am and what it means and if it's where GEE should go, the direction it should be taking. So lots of ups and downs.
It's nice that we're all still here. This group has an interesting chemistry, I think it works well. It's a rare thing, being all together like this. It's been enjoyable.
Tomorrow night I am going back to Kongoussi. At the end of next week all of the students will be gone. Then Christmas is coming.
Want to know what's fun? Taking care of fraudulant credit card charges from overseas. So I'm off to do that.
thoughts from December 12th...my six month in-country mark!
I don't want to go to English club in Kongoussi today for several reasons, one of which is that it's just so far to get there...and I know that really it's not THAT far...but it IS kind of far, and the journey will be vastly prolonged by the number of times that I will inevitably stop to chat with people on the side of the road, no matter which road I take. And I do have stuff I need to do on my little to do list here, including work for Soeur Francoise. ...but...I know I won't be going next week because I'll be in Ouaga. And I enjoy seeing a few of the people that I see there. And having in-town connections is nice. And I can go to the post office and pick up my two packages, which will be good. Ok Molly. Just go. Tell Soeur Francoise that you'll be back at 18h and you'll do the work then. And voila. But do it now so you can get to the post office before English club starts.
---five and a half hours later---
...too bad I didn't bother knowing that the post office doesn't reopen in the evenings on Saturdays like it does during the week. I feel like this is something I should have known. So...a big part of the reason I convinced myself to go into town didn't even pan out. But you know, that's ok. And even though English club was boring and I myself would never choose to be in a club like that, that's ok. I chatted with Marc and Tal and was present and pointed out a grammar rule and it wasn't so bad. And I bought a bunch of cards in town to send to my fam for Christmas. So there. And I also bought a bit of food for Ono and for myself and I chatted a bit with some marche folks and with a couple of my girls on the way in...so it was nice, really.
Got a bit of work stuff I could do tonight, and I will...I might take a shower bath thing first but I have to heat up water I just remembered and even though I'm sweaty and dirty and a little smelly I really don't want to. I know I'll feel a lot better afterwards...but rahhh...and if I go into the kitchen to heat water I'll remind myself that I should eat and that's a big effort too.
Oh yeah, I bought sardines so that I could feed the effing cats that seem to think I am interested in taking care of them. Sister Elisabeth arranged to have them brought here so they could catch and kill mice, but they seem more interested in whining constantly and hovering around my feet and my door expecting food. It is only because I don't want to be responsible for their deaths that I am occasionally feeding them, even though it's reinforcing their bad habit of slinking around my abode. I really want them to learn to get the heck away from me to find food, as is supposed to be their job. ...but they were raised by a nurturing nasara who I suppose I resemble in the same way that I resemble any nasara, and my house is away from the dogs and animals that populate the other side of the foyer...those two conditions make me appealing, I guess, though I know that after a couple of days of neglect I personally would look for other solutions. But dammit...now they're gonna keep coming back here. I alerted Sis Elisabeth as well as the cuisinaire girls about this problem so that they could feed the things, especially while I'm away all next week, otherwise they probably will die, because I don't know if they could figure out how to fend for themselves. Hopefully I am giving them too little credit and they really will be able to survive...without relying on me.
...because I really don't have the means to feed a pet. I don't have a constant source of food here, and the food I do have is normally stuff dogs and cats don't seem to want to eat. Couscous or pasta with vegetables or sauce of some sort. Nose in the air. I very often eat over with my kitchen friends anyway and thus don't bother preparing anyhow, and even if I did I can't just walk five minutes and buy benga or samsa or anything really to make for them. I also don't have a regular schedule. I'm not always here and it's not always predictable. Really the point is I just am not in a place right now where I can be responsible for anyone's life but my own. I often laugh inside during the routine "do you have a husband? No? You don't want a husband? What about children? Silly nasara! May god send you a husband and children!" conversations that I have when I think about kids, and how having a kid means having a kid FOREVER, and taking care of it EVERY DAY FOR YEARS. Holy committment that I do not want.
...and you know, this isn't to belittle or dismiss the value that is placed on looking for a husband and children here. Family ties are extremely important, being able to have a husband or a wife here is valued the way that supporting yourself independently is valued in the states. As well as I try to and like to think that I DO fit in here in my lil community, I am one heck of an American girl. I've known this about me though...having dated a Canadian, I've had many of my American qualities and characteristics pointed out to me. Mostly with smiles. :)
La la la lalaa La la la lalaa La la la lalaa...
---five and a half hours later---
...too bad I didn't bother knowing that the post office doesn't reopen in the evenings on Saturdays like it does during the week. I feel like this is something I should have known. So...a big part of the reason I convinced myself to go into town didn't even pan out. But you know, that's ok. And even though English club was boring and I myself would never choose to be in a club like that, that's ok. I chatted with Marc and Tal and was present and pointed out a grammar rule and it wasn't so bad. And I bought a bunch of cards in town to send to my fam for Christmas. So there. And I also bought a bit of food for Ono and for myself and I chatted a bit with some marche folks and with a couple of my girls on the way in...so it was nice, really.
Got a bit of work stuff I could do tonight, and I will...I might take a shower bath thing first but I have to heat up water I just remembered and even though I'm sweaty and dirty and a little smelly I really don't want to. I know I'll feel a lot better afterwards...but rahhh...and if I go into the kitchen to heat water I'll remind myself that I should eat and that's a big effort too.
Oh yeah, I bought sardines so that I could feed the effing cats that seem to think I am interested in taking care of them. Sister Elisabeth arranged to have them brought here so they could catch and kill mice, but they seem more interested in whining constantly and hovering around my feet and my door expecting food. It is only because I don't want to be responsible for their deaths that I am occasionally feeding them, even though it's reinforcing their bad habit of slinking around my abode. I really want them to learn to get the heck away from me to find food, as is supposed to be their job. ...but they were raised by a nurturing nasara who I suppose I resemble in the same way that I resemble any nasara, and my house is away from the dogs and animals that populate the other side of the foyer...those two conditions make me appealing, I guess, though I know that after a couple of days of neglect I personally would look for other solutions. But dammit...now they're gonna keep coming back here. I alerted Sis Elisabeth as well as the cuisinaire girls about this problem so that they could feed the things, especially while I'm away all next week, otherwise they probably will die, because I don't know if they could figure out how to fend for themselves. Hopefully I am giving them too little credit and they really will be able to survive...without relying on me.
...because I really don't have the means to feed a pet. I don't have a constant source of food here, and the food I do have is normally stuff dogs and cats don't seem to want to eat. Couscous or pasta with vegetables or sauce of some sort. Nose in the air. I very often eat over with my kitchen friends anyway and thus don't bother preparing anyhow, and even if I did I can't just walk five minutes and buy benga or samsa or anything really to make for them. I also don't have a regular schedule. I'm not always here and it's not always predictable. Really the point is I just am not in a place right now where I can be responsible for anyone's life but my own. I often laugh inside during the routine "do you have a husband? No? You don't want a husband? What about children? Silly nasara! May god send you a husband and children!" conversations that I have when I think about kids, and how having a kid means having a kid FOREVER, and taking care of it EVERY DAY FOR YEARS. Holy committment that I do not want.
...and you know, this isn't to belittle or dismiss the value that is placed on looking for a husband and children here. Family ties are extremely important, being able to have a husband or a wife here is valued the way that supporting yourself independently is valued in the states. As well as I try to and like to think that I DO fit in here in my lil community, I am one heck of an American girl. I've known this about me though...having dated a Canadian, I've had many of my American qualities and characteristics pointed out to me. Mostly with smiles. :)
La la la lalaa La la la lalaa La la la lalaa...
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